png daily 5/18/09: I hope you like marketing

Dear consumers, 77:18:50 until future advertisments

Well kids, it’s Monday, and that means that all the weekend freebies are over and  its back to business as usual.  Its not all bad though, as I’ve decided to come out of my cave and grace your corneas with my thoughts.  Let’s get down to it.

First order of business: Kojima’s next… something.  If you haven’t heard, the insane game designer behind the beloved Metal Gear saga, Hideo Kojima, is up to… something.  He has a URL up on his Kojima Productions page that depicts a foggy meadow under a tumultuous sky.  In the center, white numbers count down to… something.  OMG! I wonder what it is!  Could it be MGS5?!  Metal Gear 4 HD Turbo Remix?!  A MGS branded Gillette razor?!  Hey, remember how game announcements used to work?

“Did you like Super Mario Bros.?  You did?  Good.  Do you want more Mario-and-Luigi-mushroom-popping-action?  Of course you do.  Well, you’re in luck because Super Mario Bros. 2 is coming out soon!  How soon?  Well…tomorrow. “

When did announcements become big, stupid productions?  Hey, did you see that there’s gonna be a commercial for a commercial for a game? (yeah, so what if it IS Modern Warfare 2, it’s dumb)  This is right up there with the Gillette Gamer Razor.  Am I the only person who doesn’t need stupid countdown timers for everything in the world?  Hey Mr. Kojima, how about a timer to count down to a game you do that doesn’t have a story that’s bat-shit-loco? (maybe/hopefully that’s what this one is for, right?)

Second order: stupid peripherals CONFIRMED!

bored Just when you thought that the market had been inundated with stupid peripherals, we get this. Today, Activision, clawing at the coattails of the Wii and its seemingly limitless success with useless peripherals, announced another one of their own for one of their upcoming games, Tony Hawk: RIDE.  We speculated a bit about this gem on our most recent podcast, and it looks like it’s for real.  So… you stand on it, and… what?  Lean.  That’s cool.  How do you do tricks?  Apparently with gestures.   When does this become fun?  Ok, before you start giving me shit, I’m going to tell you why this different than a guitar controller.

  1. You can sit down with a guitar controller
  2. A guitar controller captures the “essence” of playing guitar without actually having the skill
  3. Skateboard controller will either have you trying to replicate actual tricks (i.e. jumping around and trying to really kickflip) or will be a glorified DDR pad

Ok, so I can’t imagine they’d actually have you trying to do real tricks.  I mean, it took me a year to master the kickflip IRL, not to mention that it would be impossible without the trucks and wheels for height/leverage.  So that leaves glorified DDR pad… cool.  Am I gonna have to cover those sensor looking things to grab or to do flip tricks?  How long until they announce Tony Hawk: RIDE Motion Plus? I’m gonna make a prediction: the only peripheral you’re gonna need is a trashcan.

Final order of business: Microsoft hates cheatz

Microsoft announced that they’re going after cheaters Nathaniel Hawthorne style.  Xbox Live’s Stephen Toulouse told Major Nelson all about it on his podcast.  Not only will cheaters have their gamerscores reset to zero, they will get their card “marked”, Scarlet Letter style.  Look out James.

You’re welcome.

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3 responses to “png daily 5/18/09: I hope you like marketing

  1. No, it’s cool. They’re only going after filthy Gears of War 2 cheaterz.

  2. “They only peripheral you’re going to need is a trashcan.”

    You sir, are the winner of the fucking internet! I have never laughed so hard in my life!

  3. Kojima is such an asshole.

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